TSP - 2008

The morning was bright with the promise of clear skies as I finished up with a few final chores before leaving Las Cruces for the 2008 Texas Star Party. However, there was one small blemish - I had to take my 109 year Aunt (who was also an orphan and a window) her weekly meal and therefore was prevented from getting up at 3 AM to travel to the TSP with the ASLC Masters.

On the way down, as I drove along listening to the new album of "Cow Mooing for Astronomers" by the Texas Longhorns, I began plotting my strategy for getting past Sheriff Rich this year. Google maps had played an important role as I discovered a secret back road that would allow me to slip in and Sheriff Rich would never be the wiser.

As I drew closer to Fort Davis I looked over my directions: From Fort Davis take Farm to Market road 15 south toward Ojinga, Mexico. After 45 miles turn east at brown barn and proceed 30 miles until arriving at red and green cattle tank. Cut back north for 15.8 miles on wagon trail and then west for 35 miles. Open Prude Ranch gate, go another 2.3 miles, cross a small ditch and then drive surreptitiously toward the ASLC camping spot. At one point I began to doubt the wisdom of all this extra driving but quickly remembered the trauma and emotional pain of dealing with Sheriff Rich and therefore pushed on.

Just as I was getting ready to end my detour and cross the small ditch, a giant twenty foot hologram of Sheriff Rich sprang into existence not ten feet from the front of my car. He was holding a large sign that read, "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE". It was then I noticed an old drive-in movie speaker in the bush next to my window. It squawked into life. "Is that you Kid?"

"No. This is the Vet. I came to fix a depressed cow." I lied.

"I don't think so. The Vet wouldn't run over the tire spikes you just did ten feet back."

"Oh Jeez," I thought. Now I've really done it. I'm stuck a half a mile from the middle field and Sheriff Rich is on my case again. How was I ever going to get to the TSP and earn points toward becoming a Newbie Advanced and learn how to adjust a worm gear in the dark while holding a flashlight in my mouth?

"OK, OK, you caught me red handed." I gushed. "But think about this Sheriff Rich….wouldn't the world be a much better place if we all showed a little more generosity, love and good will toward others?" "Knock that crap off Kid or I'll feed ya to the rattlesnakes. Now turn around and drive back the way you came on four flat tires. Hardy Har Har Har."

Well, several hours later as I drove up to the main gate on my wheel rims I noticed Sheriff Rich had left guard duty and I was able to limp on in to the ASLC Masters Imaging site.

They were all sitting around marking objects off their viewing lists. I thought something funny was going on since no-one had done any viewing yet but also knew that it is sometimes difficult to understand the Masters since they operated on such a higher level of awareness. I walked over to Master Dave. "Why are you marking objects off your viewing lists if you haven't seen them yet?"

This question invoked a glare from Master Dave and a short rebuke. "Slughopper, how can you find an object if you haven't seen it yet?"

At that very moment I had an incredible epiphany as I realized that Master Dave had taken my very words and turned them into a Zen Koan that potentially could take me to a new level of star imaging and possibly a promotion within the ranks of the ASLC Imaging Masters.

"By the way Kid, glad you could finally make it." Crooned Masters Steve and Steve. "We've been talking with the TSP organizers and have come up with an assignment for you this week. Yep, might even get you that promotion you've been whining about."

"What?" I eagerly replied as my heart quickened and I visualized the promotion ceremony in my minds eye.

"Well, here's the deal. We need someone to monitor and measure dark matter this year and decided you would be just that person. Didn't Mystic Bob tell you before you left Las Cruces?"

"Uhhh. Well, actually no. You see Mystic Bob isn't speaking to me anymore."

I saw the looks of alarm and concern in the Masters faces as they asked, "Oh, why is that? What happened?"

Feeling shame and despair I replied, "Mystic Bob found me with an eyepiece in my possession."

At this admission they began backing away from me hissing and making cross signs with their fingers. At least they did until Brother Chuck tripped on a telescope and fell over backwards onto an ant hill.

That seemed to break the tension so I could ask the big question that was now on my mind. "OK. I'll do it. I'll measure the dark matter this week. But, how do you measure dark matter?"

"You don't know? Doesn't it seem obvious? YOU WANDER AROUND IN THE DARK AND IT DOESN'T MATTER! HA, HA, HA"

I was about to express my deep appreciation for this assignment to the Masters when there was a load roar and dust and gravel began flying all over the place as Miss Bonnie came tearing up on her 1584cc Twin Cam Harley Dyna. On the back of her leathers was writ large, "Up Against the Wall Astronomers Motorcycle Club" and they were also replete with various icons of skulls and road kill.

I could tell that Miss Bonnie was in no mood for frivolities as she swung down off her bike. "OK Bros," she barked, "one of the Homeys is down. Master Nils took a bad hit. Now get up and get over to Valentine and bring back that scope or I'm gonna be your worst nightmare come true!"

At this news the Masters went into a great huddle in order to determine who would drive to Valentine in order to rescue Master Nil's telescope and perhaps as an afterthought bring Master Nils back also. The decision was made and they went over and woke Brother Chuck up since he had fallen asleep after crashing into Sheriff Rich's dob and landing on the ant hill. He brushed the ants off, walked over to his van, and with great fanfare and noise he and Miss Bonnie went roaring off into the distance.

"Gee, Master Dave," I remarked, "its too bad Master Nil's vehicle broke down. What do you suppose happened?"

"Bad Carma Grungehopper. Now don't ask any more stupid questions. I have to finish a 50,000 word epic poem on chickens to read tomorrow night since we don't eat them anymore."

I was about to ask Master Dave why but suddenly thought better of it and went about the business of setting up my tent and my telescope for the night. I thought it kinda strange that I was told to set up in the horse pasture across the road but they explained that would be the best place to look for dark matter or anything else that I might need.

Well time moves along and by Friday I was feeling a bit discouraged as not one little bit of dark matter had turned up in the horse pasture but I didn't want to complain and earn bad marks on my 'Newbie Intermediate" grade sheet. So that afternoon I drove into Fort Davis and bought a case of Mason jars at the General Store believing I may have found the answer to my dilemma. That night I went out into the middle of the horse pasture and held each jar up toward the sky and quickly put the lid on thereby capturing as much dark matter as possible. I was finally able to go to bed feeling as if I had accomplished my mission. I just knew that "Newbie Advanced" initiation would be waiting for me in Las Cruces.